Date: February 16, 2026 Time: 12:26 am

The depths were always a part of me. That is a part that was never supposed to be suppressed within me, but in a multitude of ways, it always has been. For a while… for a good portion (most) of my life, I felt like the parts of me that venture into those depths … that explored those more darker territories, I felt it was something wrong with me. And I guess in many ways, people made me feel that way. To feel… to be in those feels is so foreign to others. You’ll end up getting written off as depressed if they have a say.

“Depressed” is one of those huge words that used to be triggering for me because I never saw the ways I feel as that. At some given point, I was experiencing a form of depression, but I never fully embraced it as depression (and it wasn’t; it was the dark night of the soul, which is very similar in nature). Then, as I continued to grow in this journey, experiencing those more discomforting feelings arising, I realized even feeling it now… presently… Like, sometimes I am in dissonance with it. And I know the dissonance arises because sometimes the feelings that I feel and process aren’t necessarily mine (in a world full of people who would rather not feel; “Someone got to feel it“). But either way, it’s this desire to reject it, to suppress it, or even feel bad for feeling it because I perceive it at times as “if I’m feeling like this, then feeling as good as I do when I do can’t be fully true”. “A lie exists at some point; a lie is here”. “These two truths can’t coexist”. And I know that they can, right? But in the moment, it feels like they can’t and shouldn’t.
And I was standing in this deep knowingness that, because of it being rejected by external factors, I was consequently rejecting that very nature within myself.

I feel like another block with writing at this point is that I haven’t wanted to acknowledge my melancholy in its entirety and how intense it tends to be for me at times, for real. And beyond just how it tends to be for me, but how it truly is a part of me, and I was just sitting here reflecting, like “that is a gift”. To be able to experience being in melancholy and not necessarily acting in a form of detriment to yourself. I mean it can… It’s a thin line, for sure, but it’s not inherently detrimental.

Melancholy is me. Melancholy is a part of me. And as much as the discomfort may bring because of how mighty and how fathomless those emotions can arise, I do enjoy being in melancholy. I feel like… I was just visualizing myself fully embracing this aspect of me. How I can be alone in it … knowing that I’m not alone because I have it. You know… I guess in many ways, I’ve always desired to share that sense of myself with someone else, but it scares people away. It causes people to “jet”. People don’t choose that part of me (but they do, however, reap the benefits of it from me). And the unfortunate truth is that I know that’s why I wasn’t wholly choosing it. Not that I was trying to force people to choose that part of me, but I think it happened on a subconscious level because I wasn’t in the absolute acceptance that melancholy is truly a part of me. It’s not something that I can just go to a therapist and talk it away. I can’t take medicine to clear it out of my system. I can’t just change my mind (thoughts )… I have made countless improvements with myself, and the melancholy still remains. And I realize… like I said tonight, that it is a part of me. It’s a part of me that isn’t going anywhere, and I also realize that it is a part of my power. Just the depths and being in the darkness… loving being in those spaces and exploring them, and that always appearing strange to others. I don’t run from it … I’m not afraid of it. And at this point, I don’t allow it to consume me, but I definitely indulge… I embrace it, I honor it because it’s just sooo much realness within that, and that’s a part of the unknown. And I know that I just have to continue to accept the melancholic parts of myself as I stand in this clarity and awareness, because that’s what’s going to allow me to further be in this unknown space too. And any other unknown space moving forward in this lifetime.

I’ve been ashamed of it. I’ve been deeply conditioned to be ashamed of it. Nobody wants to be in darkness. Nobody wants to feel and commune with the shadows that come with that. Nobody wants to explore the depths. And a part of me being in this knowingness that I am about the experiences and not just the moments … that I am a deep diver, I love the abyss … I’m not much of a surface dweller… It’s further aiding in this clarity. And it’s making me want to be even more selective about who I allow access to me and how far I allow that access to go.

-Sunset🌻